I started this morning trying to give CPR to a dead baby goat. It was tangled with its sibling, breach (coming out butt first), and Carmen had a time getting them sorted out to get them out. It probably died of stress before we even intervened, but. Still tried to resuscitate. Still kind of butt-y.
I’m not sure any of the old farmers I know would have ever tried to perform CPR on a dead newborn animal. It feels like the kind of confused desperation that you do as a young person when you don’t know what else to do. And, I mean. The goat was dead. But we had to try.
It’s not the only problem we’re currently dealing with, and when Carmen called one of our neighbors, who has been raising sheep for 60 years, for some advice he just said, “Welcome to agriculture.” And I think that is really fucking true. We like to post all the cute pictures, we like to tell stories about us young farmers trying things and succeeding, having great times, making good food. But that’s not the whole truth, and That. Is. Agriculture.
When you raise animals, just like if you work in a hospital, or as a vet, or I don’t know, as a coroner, you are living on the veil between life and death. Death is immediate and a physical process, and generally kind of inexplicable. It isn’t like on Grey’s Anatomy, when they always know why the person died– the brain aneurysm exploded, or the kidney transplant failed to take. Sometimes it just happens.
Of our little team of midwives, I’ve been the one to encounter a lot of the dead ones this year (when they have died overnight, etc). And don’t get me wrong– we’ve had a very low death rate so far– but when you are lambing, animals die. The process for mammals to enter the world is shocking and miraculous, but also it is very easy for things to go wrong. New life is bookended and shadowed by death, and as farmers, we suck it up and keep moving. We do our best, and take good care of our animals, but sometimes we don’t get the win. And every time I have found a dead baby– there is this sinking feeling, combined with a gritting of my teeth. And I’m not going to lie, I had a good sob out in the barn by myself at 6 am at one point too.
“There’s no crying in farming” (shout out to A League of Their Own) is about the furthest thing from my truth that I can imagine. But it also feels like a goal. Kind of.
I think the important thing with the shitty times is that we have to hold our both/ands very close. We have to feel the impact of death, we have to feel sad and understand the value of life and our morals. But we also have to keep moving, because in agriculture, you encounter death, and there’s no way not to. It doesn’t mean we’re doing a bad job, even. It’s part of working with animals, and the life we have chosen (are choosing every day), and not only that, it’s important to talk about.
I think maybe one of my biggest issues with vegetarianism/ veganism at this point is the implication that eating meat causes animal death, and that choosing not to eat meat prevents animal death. It seems indicative of someone living very out of touch from death and what that means on a visceral level, and how that would even play out. It comes from a lack of understanding of what animal agriculture is and can be.
I’m not going to deny that some forms of animal agriculture are less humane than others, but I think that we need to get the fuck over ourselves when it comes to animals and death and dying. EVERYTHING DIES. And in the wild, animals die all the time, especially during birth (for mammals). What we do, on our farm, is help facilitate as many healthy and successful births as possible, something that doesn’t happen when mammals give birth in the wild. One of our CSA customers just told us about watching a deer in their backyard give birth on the edge of this small precipice and the fawn fell over a 9 foot wall. And lived!
I’m rambling a little bit because we stayed up late last night out in the barn, and have been doing a lot of work so far today. I just think it’s important to talk about death, and not just in hushed tones at funerals. You deal with a lot of death when you work with a lot of living animals, and that is the way it is. It’s sad but shouldn’t always be horrifying, because it is so incredibly normal and a part of life. The end.